Saturday, May 19, 2012

Home



“Home..let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you.” Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Am I going home for the weekend? Or am I headed back home to work for the week? Did I leave my shoes at my other home or did I leave them at the place I am staying for the time being? I have started to become amused by how my life has scattered out over two cities. I have parts of me in an apartment where I spend my Monday through Friday and the other parts are in the home I have known for the last seven years. At first I was lonely, then confused now I am starting to create a shape in my mind of what our life is going to be like. June 8, the day Josh and the kids join me in Columbus is right around the corner and I am getting used to my new life and job. I am ready for them to be part of my new life. We were taking a walk today. Time, space, cities, jobs, houses cars, nothing seemed relevant at the moment. I was having a discussion with Layla about monarch butterflies. I told her how I saw a beautiful butterfly this morning sitting on a beautiful flower. I reached for my phone to take a picture but it was in the house. I thought about grabbing the camera..every instinct I have is to take a picture of such a beautiful moment. Instead, I just sat there, enjoying the simplicity of the moment. “Some moments don’t need pictures.” I told her. “they are the pictures that just exist in our mind and we get that beauty all to ourselves.” She slipped her hand into mine. At ten, she is at that age where I always appreciate the hand holding and butterfly talks. I still had a little flutter in my stomach when she held my hand. I thought about her tiny hand, grasping onto mine as she took her first steps and how that same hand apprehensively let go of mine the moment she started preschool. The more I think about where home is, the less I worry. There are three people who make up my home. The walls and windows and city are merely things that make up a house. As long as the four of us are together, home can be anywhere. I finally have a sense of peace, and gratitude for the butterfly sitting on the flower. It reminds me of the simplicity of the moments we share together.   




Thursday, May 10, 2012

The New Kid

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Was anyone the new kid at school? Remember that feeling to enter a building or sit in a classroom and not have a familiar face near by? I remember starting a new high school. Even in a place where there were some faces I knew, the process and the settings were overly unfamiliar. I was lost. I didn’t know where to sit or stand or eat my lunch. All around me were groups of friends and I was an island. In the face of the unknown, I never seem to elude confidence. I stand with my hip awkwardly pointing to one side twirling my hair around my fingers trying to answer the million-dollar question…now what? My days finally turned into weeks then months. By Christmas break, I was still wary of the unknown but slowly gaining ground and making friends. I sometimes look back at my self and poke fun at the things I did to ease the transformation, the people I tried to like, the things I tried to get into and the feelings I thought I needed in order to fit in. Slowly I would latch on to a person and try to find that ease one gets when they find a friend. I always thing of life a team sport and not a solo event, so when I am in unfamiliar situations, I try to form a team. Being the new kid again is not easy. I feel more and more like an island everyday. As I hum the theme to Cheers in the back of my mind, I try to navigate myself through the unknown. For me, the unknown is everything. Starting a new job is hard, but you still have that air of familiarity..the people who know you. Maybe it is family or the cashier at the grocery store, but to someone I am not an unknown. I am a sister or Layla and Olivia’s mom or that lady that buys a six-pack of Magic Hat number 9 every Friday night. I am that neighbor that is out walking every day or the friend that always makes someone laugh. Here, I am still trying to find out how to be these things again. Moving my life somewhere else, starting a new job, not knowing where I will live and not having my kids and husband to come home to every night is not easy. There are the days when I don’t mind; I like the challenge and the anonymity. Then there are days that are lonely…the days where I wish I wasn’t that new kid or that unknown. I am trying to collect the pieces of who I was a few short months ago and assemble them back together in this new setting. It is not always easy, and it will take time. It does feel nice to be tapping away at my laptop again. Even if I don’t have the immediate satisfaction of a prompt post, I feel comforted to know that my blog was waiting here for me. The one thing I have in my new life is the willingness to stand out. Whether it is a cute dress or a great necklace, I am falling back on my ability to say who I am by how I dress. I haven’t been shy about color lately. My new claim to fame is a great pink blazer. I saw it on a girl at my last job and had to have it. (and paid only $20 for it!). I have had limited access to pictures as my photographer husband is still at home with the kids. There will be lots of weekend outfit pics from now until June 8….when I will be making a full time return to mom-ing, wife-ing and blogging.

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Dress/Belt: Francessca's
Necklace/Tighs: Target
Shoes: MIA (DSW)
Jacket: New York & Co