Thursday, June 30, 2011

small changes

The thing about getting older is that change becomes harder to deal with. a new person in the office, a new mailman, a new car..any sort of interruption to the everyday is such an adjustment. Like babies when the time changes, we become cranky when something is not the same as it always was. In accounting SALY (same as last year) is a norm we strive to pull away from since you aren't making things better if your answer is that's how it was done before me. nothing is set in nothing is unchangeable.

Honestly...all this drama is over a haircut. Tomorrow is haircut day. Mostly I love haircut is a couple hours a month when someone else washes, dries and styles my hair. And for that whole day...i run my fingers through my freshly smoothed hair and hope to heaven I will be able to style somewhere close to what she has done. Anyone who knows me knows I am especially attached to my long thick hair. Every time I get a cut, I immediately want to grow it back. Lately I have been seeing adorable shorter styles. Since I have emulated Jennifer Aniston's hair since I had the "Rachel" in high school its only natural that I would crave her sun soaked bob. I have spent the day face deep in all my favorite magazines to come up with the perfect mix of young, professional and of course flirty. Emma Stone's bangs and choppy layers are the winner..and of course a pic from Lucky Magazine's hair look book. I think with a little style mag confidence I can pull off a five to six inch chop. Part of finding my creative voice is..of course..a good haircut.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011


We were walking through K-Mart today...I was looking for some camping supplies and maybe that super cute looks like i spent a fortune on but found for a dollar beachy worthy accessory. What I wanted: a straw over-sized tote. something in a nice geometric or ikat print..that would find two towels, sunscreen, a sun hat and an oversized crime-i had no idea the whole time she was screwing the serial killer-novel. What I found: a turquoise and royal blue ikat print towel...a real steal at $3.I also bought a couple tiki torches for my broke gal's version of a custom right out of the anthropologie home boho cool patio. they fit right in with my solar outdoor lights...lanterns to follow. As I was carrying the torches..awkwardly i may add...Olivia looks at me
"careful" she says -all know it all like
 "I am..i wont drop them" i say to her wondering why she cares if I drop the torches. she is too young to really be embarrassed by me yet.
"I don't want you to drop them, like you let go of the princess balloon at grocery store....on my birthday" she said reminding me of the time that I accidentally let go of a princess balloon I bought her for her fifth birthday...a moment of weakness where her big blue eyes got the best of me.  Of course i took her right back in to buy another overpriced balloon....

" aren't going to ever let that go" I muttered

"What....I don't want you to loose it" she said....

Well sista, get in line...I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt my whole life. Must be that original sin thing...not sure. There is always this underlying feeling that someone thinks that I am doing something wrong. Whether it is a career choice, or a grocery store bag choice, there is always this second guessing going on. So Olivia throws another piece of gum to my already covered shoes of thought. Am I guilty of ....gasp...her personal traumas? Does she remember all the things I do wrong or the things I say that hurt her. now I feel guilty

stylin new towel. Kmart $2.99

Outdoor Oasis

   so much beauty all around us ;)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

O Beautiful for Spacious Skies

Another beautiful picture by my talented little artist, Layla. Being a parent there is not guide book, no profession standards, no excel easy to read, ties to life formula. It is a jungle...survival of the fittest. Throw your hat in the ring jump on the mechanical bull, hope to God you don't fall off. And how do you know you are doing it right? you aren't graded, you don't get a raise or promotion or even employee of the month.You are never stroked or coddled. Is there an award in get a magic cap and gown with a certificate signed by God....certified good parent? not hardly. Are you measured by your child's successes...or their talents..or good looks? If you are looking for an answer then I don't have it. I just hope I get that cap and heavenly gown one day. But in reality, it is when you can see your child truly happy.. Layla's moments of peace is when she is drawing. She is quiet...thoughtful but best of all you can see her creative wheels turning. As a parent that is better than all the awards or bonuses or prizes.
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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Creative Outlets

My fingers are absolutely killing me. the guitar is not beginner friendly. it has a rough shell that I really had to work on cracking. But the good news is I have replaced Layla's kid guitar with an amazing Ibanez guitar thanks to my dad. Some pretty amazing things have come out of my new hobbies. Today I stopped over to grab a sandwich at my parents, and my dad gave me an hour run through of guitar basics. He offered up three guitars and we finally settled on this one. He wanted me to take his favorite one, a Fender, but I felt bad doing that and told him i can take this one. "but it is tuned in F open." he said..some Led Zeppelin songs are that way..and my dad has a guitar strictly dedicated to a few songs...another amazing thing about my dad. I promised him I could handle tuning it so that's what I got....complete with an extra set of strings. (good thing...since i already snapped one!) So as I sit here...fingers all blistery...but able to play the first verse and chorus of "Bad Moon Rising" by CCR...I feel a sense of accomplishment and peace.

I get a little forgetful or bored or wrapped up or even just too drunk in life that I often forget that creative time is important. Its like when we were in grade school and after all our reading and math, we were allowed coloring time....a time where there are no right or wrong answers and there isn't one person who is the best in the class. Playing the guitar, taking pictures or whatever it is i call a creative outlet has become my "coloring" time. my kid time. There is no one to tell me I am doing it wrong, no one to say when it needs to be done by, no one to say their way is better. It is just me and my imagination mind completely turned off. This time is when I used to dwell on the things that were wrong in my life....the things i didn't have. there were so many things i felt I deserved in life...things i felt i was robbed of for some reason or another. Also there was a lot of regret and second guessing. These creative outlets have become a way to silence that voice that was yelling at me all the time. not that it doest try to come back...but at least I get to listen to my spotty playing of Bad Moon Rising over it.

Math, math, math. that is my work life. make the money add up and analyze why it does..and when it wont. I love working with numbers. it takes a special kind of nerd to feel this way and baby I a that kind of nerd. But working with numbers is repetitive and predicting. It is a job where there is no room for creativity.. Its your classic "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy" type scenario. there needs to be a all hobbies must involve creativity. I may not be Russell Crowe, but I have a beautiful mind. and when it is left to its own out world. So I am not going to hide that away anymore. Its time to let it out. so guitar, photos, jewelry, clothes, whatever I can be creative with I am going to take and run with....while wearing a really cute pair of drapey print shorts with a plain white tank...strands of long necklaces.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Old Photos

Olivia was looking at a photo album with a nostalgic awe filled twinkle in her eyes.

Olivia: i wish I was a baby again. Babies are so lucky. They get fed and held and rocked. I wouldn't even mind wearing a diaper.

Me: why would you want to be a baby? you are in first grade...a big girl. thats waaaay better than being a baby.

Olivia: first grade isn't very fun. Its really hard we have to do work all day and only get a little bit of recess.

Me: what do you mean first grade isn't fun? i would love to be six again.

Olivia: (pointing to a picture of her as a baby...her dark hair pulled into two mini ponytails standing straight out of her head crawling across the floor toward Layla. she was about seven months at the time).
"Look at me in this picture...look how happy I was. Do I look this happy now? "

Me: (pulling out a basket of pictures from my college days. it is a picture of me and a couple friends at a bar clinking together shot glasses).
"look at me in this picture look how happy I was. I was in college...i wish I could go back to those days but I cant"

learn something new every day

the problem with living in the everyday is that you become stuck in the every day. you forget to take a step back from yourself and your inner child. ok..that sounds very vague and philosophical, blah blah words. But really..after days and days of work,home,kids,food,bed you start to get a little bit bored with life. i know i have recently. Once I get started in a rut Ido not embrace change at in I can't even alter my route to work with out having a major panic well as flood myself with doubt and negative talk.."well you will be late again if you try a new way". so i become so afraid to fail that i don't bother to start...i sound like Eeyore(think back=Winnie the pooh).."whats the use". So how do i turn myself from a Eeyore or even a piglet to a pooh or tiger? simple..try something new and exciting. so this may be the most round about way to say this..but i am going to attempt to learn a musical instrument. i picked up Layla's kid guitar today..googled "how to play guitar" and now my creased..sore fingers can strum a mean G major. So on my quest to find out what is missing I have to learn first and foremost to not be afraid to fail. what the hell...i am the first person to have a good gut myself.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


"its always funny when I read articles about Physics...i have no idea what I am reading" Josh Taylor

Ketsup Queen

ketchup called to ask if olivia taylor was our has been noted that Olivia Taylor has eaten the most ketsup in her life than any other six year old...ever. there will be a picture of her on the next bottle of ketsup...she is anxiously waiting

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wolfman's Brother

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Another beautiful picture by Layla Taylor

God is watching you

The girls decided to sleep in Olivia's room last night. "Olivia's TV shows the words" Layla if that was justification for sleeping two in a twin bed. While watching TV, I could hear a good hour of giggling and talking coming from Olivia's room. As I was about to give them the speech about going to bed or else they will be separated, a speech borrowed wholly from my childhood, Olivia comes running out. "the TV turned off" she exclaimed while still in her usual running motion. "Well..I guess God had a plan for you. " I said. I think he doesn't want you to watch any more TV and just go to bed. Speechless, Olivia ran back into her room to report to Layla. I hear chatter then oddly silence. Satisified with my little story, I go back to watching reruns of Its Always Sunny.

A couple hours later, I was ready for bed and peeked in Olivia's room. "THats strange" I thought. The girls are gone. Of course, they were nestled in Layla's room, fast asleep, with "Tangled" playing.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Why would I want to throw out my every thought and dream to perfect strangers...or even worse..people I know who are going to judge my every word? Easy..I am on the pursuit of something better. Something like happiness but even better than that. For a while now I feel there is something missing..something wrong. I am just not the person my inner child wants me to be. Don’t get me wrong..i have many blessings. Two beautiful girls, a supportive husband, a house in a high rated school district. Some may say I am really livin the dream here in Youngstown Ohio...but still I am on a search for that one thing, that little thing I can't quite grasp. Like a word at the tip of my tongue...i am on the pursuit of....